Mauve
by Kirrithian
Summary: A mauve alert sends the team into a comic panic, trying to escape the power of a fanfiction author and her very own Mary Sue. Just a laugh, because I was bored. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1:Mauve alert

I do not own torchwood. Owen and Tosh would not have died if i did.

Summary says it all, so enjoy.

* * *

Alarms blared throughout the hub and five figures dashed about, eventually bumping into each other.

"Wha..!" they went simultaneously, glancing around in confusion. Jack recovered first.

"Owen, Toshiko, I thought you died?" Jack pointed out

"In the normal run of things, yes. But this is a mauve code"

Jack paled.

Gwen looked from Jack to Tosh with worry.

"What's a mauve code?"

"Fanfiction writer" Ianto put in.

Tosh and Owen looked at each other.

"Well we may as well make an early start. It's pretty much inevitable when we get mauve."

Tosh nodded in agreement, and then started snogging the previously clueless Owen. The other three ran to the meeting room.

"Ok, in code mauve Owen/Tosh pairings are pretty much standard" Jack said

"Oh, I don't know, there was a me/ Owen pairing once. Absolute nightmare. Thankfully that fic got burnt, but still" Ianto shuddered "Not nice"

"Anyway, the biggest question is, are they a Janto fan or…" he looked pointedly at Gwen.

"Janto?"

"Jack/ Ianto- they think we're cute" Ianto looked at Jack.

"So what would the other possible pairing be?" Gwen looked between the two. "Oh. Shit."

Jack nodded

"Yeah, we could be in some serious trouble there"

"What do we do?" Gwen asked

Jack sighed

"We wait it out, and when the story's completed everything gets back to normal"

"If you still remember what normal is by the time I've finished with you" They spun around to see Captain John pointing a hefty bulk of a space gun at them.

Torchwood. Outside the United Nations, beyond the police,

"Oi, do we have to do this every single time?"

Fighting aliens on behalf of the human race

"Oi, matey I'm talking to you"

The 21st century's when everything changes

"Owen save your breath"

And we'll be ready

"I'm dead, I don't have any breath"

They stared dramatically at the wrong end of the gun.

"Hi again" Jack gave a brief look to Tosh and Owen, who had mysteriously appeared in the room.

"Ok guys just to let you know, I do not want to be doing this- I was in the most awesome party on the Scarlet system, then bang! Some damned writer drags me here to be a baddy. They really don't like me that much. Although, it is a pretty impressive gun"

It looks like an anemone; sharp spikes jutting out forwards, a violent purple fish slicing bayonet. That is if anything is left after the laser, sliver bullet and flamethrower combination, so often used by the owners of this make of supergun.

"Quickly, to the SUV, before the author notices" Jack whispered as they attempted to make their escape out the back door.

The gun clanged to the ground, then suddenly they were all back in their previous positions.

"Great" moaned Jack "We might have got away then if it weren't for you and your butterfingers"

"Hey! Don't blame me if I don't want to be in some random fic where I'm probably going to almost kill all of you (and probably kill Jack several times) then end up getting imprisoned, shot, frozen, decapitated, hung, knifed, eaten by an alien, or even worse.."

"NO! Don't say it!" the team yelled as one

John ignored them and continued

"Even worse I may end up being oof…"

John doubled over in silent pain, before dropping to his knees.

Gwen held onto her position just in front of him only for a second or two, before returning to where she was.

"Remind me not to get on your bad side Gwen" Ianto commented

They headed back to their respective stations, leaving John moaning on the floor, clutching his crushed privates.

"ArgHH ah ah ah ooowwww…"

"What now?" Jack called out across the hub.

At her screen, Tosh gasped in shock.

"Oh my god" The team gathered around "We've got incoming…"

Next time on Mauve:

"NOOOOOOOOOO not another chapter!!" the team yell, before breaking down crying in their tableaux, helpless as the author continues to type.

The team ran around like headless chickens, panicking. Jack had enough presence of mind to yell

"To the SUV!!" they all ran after him, and got stuck in a broom cupboard.

"Do you reckon it's bigger on the inside?"


	2. Chapter 2: Incoming

Thank you for all your reveiws so far. Here's the next chapter:

I don't own Torchwood, never have and probably never will. Well, that's life sometimes.

* * *

"We've got incoming"

The words dropped like a bomb into the middle of the frozen torchwoodians, and they started apply procedure delta point 13, and panicked.

Outside on the dark streets of Cardiff a tall mysterious figure unfolded from the shadows, strode down the alleyway, knocked out the inquisitive weevils and a confused tom cat, before stalking out onto the street and tripping over the pavement. Jumping up hurriedly and brushing herself off, she regained her pose, and sprouted a pair of chameleon wings. Her Author had called, and she had her job to do.

And her name is Mary Sue.

The team ran around like headless chickens, panicking. Jack had enough presence of mind to yell

"To the SUV!!" they all ran after him, and got stuck in a broom cupboard.

"Do you reckon it's bigger on the inside?" Ventured Owen as Jack took in a huge breath

"Everybody OUT!"

They stampeded out again, along with a confused bull and a couple of fluttering chickens, and promptly tripped over John, still recovering on the floor.

They lay quietly, partially because they had given up running to nowhere and partially because they'd all been simultaneously winded when they fell. That and the fact that the hub seemed to have suddenly become very big, circular and with sand on the floor.

Also it was hard to ignore a fully mature angry bull pawing the ground not too far away from you.

They glanced at each other before their gaze landed on a partially visible John at the bottom of the pile, in his traditional red jacket.

"'Scuse me?" he spluttered out. The weight disappeared off his chest, and he sat up in time to see Jack and the rest of his team leaping above their dust clouds into the seating.

"Wait for meeeeeee!" and he chased after them, with the bull in tow.

Torchwood watched calmly as John sprinted past with the bull right behind him.

"Gwen, pass the popcorn would you?" Jack asked.

"aaaaaaAAAAAAaaa a a a a" John screamed past again

"I ran a scan for the Mary Sue. Seems like she's been held up by a Doctor who set" Tosh looked at the team "Poor buggers. They have Mary Sues more often than we do"

"I dunno" Owen put in "We have cuter members, and more couples. All they got is anything and the Doctor."

"And he has enough to worry about as it is" They nodded in agreement at Jacks words, watching as John flew by, this time clinging onto the back of the bull for dear life.

"I know we have a Fanfiction writer and her Mary sue on the way, but they have got a good sense of humour" Gwen eyes didn't leave the bull as it ground to a halt in the middle of the arena and started bucking, John looking terrified.

John flew off, and landed in the dirt. Ianto pressed a button on his stopwatch.

"Seventeen seconds"

"He'd make a rubbish cowboy then." Jack quoted watching the bull lowering its horns at John.

"Oh god NO! I am not going to go, skewered like a kebab. Oh god somebody help me!!" he shuffled away from the charging bull. Just as the bull reached John it stopped and turned, kicking up dust to charge the shining figure at the other end of the arena. There was a swish punk, and the bull stopped, tried to look at the arrow embedded in its head, failed, then died, falling on John.

A fair voice floated over the carcass.

"Beef burgers anyone?"

A face appeared over the dark hair flank of the bull looking down at John with those blue eyes. She carelessly tossed the bull aside and brushed off her invisible wings, before vanishing them properly, brushing back her perfect blonde hair and having a proper look at the figure sprawled on the floor.

"That's not right! You're not Jack!"

John sat up and gazed at the figure standing above him.

"I'm John, and really does it matter?" The Mary Sue thought for a moment, glancing at John.

"You're right, it doesn't. Well not too much." She hauled him upright, ignoring his gasps of pain, and snogged him.

He screamed mentally. Noooo… this is torture. Well as in I'd rather be kissing Jack, it's torture.

That's a point-Where is Jack?

The team sat around the table, eating their various pizzas.

"Are you sure she doesn't know about this place?"

"Yes, it's worked before. As long as one of us is eating pizza here, she can't find us"

Owen looked at Jack.

"It's all right for you guys, but this is the first time I've been in a restaurant since I died"

"Don't start Owen" Tosh warned

"Yeah Owen leave it" Added Gwen

"You'll just have to manage won't you?" Jack said

"Tea anyone?" they all looked at Ianto, then at the pizza in front of them

"Oh shit"

Next time on Mauve:

"Hiya Rhys"

"Oh hello sweetheart, how was work?"

"We had a mauve alert to deal with. Hopefully won't turn out too serious"

"Everything going well with the Special Forces then?"

Gwen paused puzzled. Special Forces? Wasn't that…?

"Yeah. Jack said hi" she ventured

"Oh is Jack some new?" Rhys wandered across the sitting room

"Yeah…" Gwen closed her eyes, cursing inwardly. Damn you Fanfiction writing Bitch.


	3. Chapter 3: Sue the Hub

I do not own Torchwood

Thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far

Hints of sexual themes coming up

* * *

"Oh shit"

"Aaand an extra strong extra hot pizza, with those rare super chillies added on top... yes I said extra chillies… look you want me to… no? Then go get my pizza, and charge it to Torchwood… you don't know which table is Torchwood? Charge it to Mr Harkness… He's not here either?" The Mary Sue looked around at the empty table.

"Damn, they're fast" She waited a few moments "But then again…" she paused and caught sight of a figure heading into the kitchens "Hey, I'll still want my pizza!" she yelled at the waiter, who winced as he scurried out. 5… 4… 3… she idly counted down 2… 1 aha!

Jack trudged through the door, fuming. He stormed up to the Mary Sue with her blue eyes, flowing blonde hair and perfectly sculpted figure, not to mention two big fine m. Stop it goddamit, he scolded himself, act like a mature adult, she can't kill you.

"Errm…" he hesitated, having forgotten what he was going to say. Mary Sue smiled innocently

"Yes?"

Jack mumbled something about having forgotten and would be going back to the hub…

"That's it!" He burst out startling the Mary Sue, before dropping back into his stormcloud mode "You changed the codes and you're coming with me and putting everything right back as it was, NOW!!"

The Mary Sue blinked

"Fine, but not until you've paid for my pizza"

Jack opened his mouth to protest but caught her look and pulled out his distinctly unused wallet and shoved a couple of notes into the waiter's hand, before storming out the door again. The Mary Sue took her pizza and sat down, occasionally glancing at the five figures sitting outside the fountain. Turning back to her pizza, she waited as thick clouds rolled in over Cardiff, abnormally fast, and started dropping their load on the members of Torchwood.

"Oh just great! We're gonna get soaked just waiting here for her to finished her pizza. Look Jack I'm going home, you know, spend the evening with Rhys"

Jack looked up at Gwen

"If he's still there."

Gwen froze for a moment, staring at Jack who indicted she should go. She tore off through the rain

"Jack?" Jack looked at Tosh holding hands with Owen "We're gonna head off as well"

"Oh, Ok. Have a nice time"

He watched them disappear, before looking at Ianto again.

"Just us two then"

"I'm counting every moment sir" Ianto paused, and then snuggled closer to Jack, wrapping his arms around him.

And they waited in the rain.

The Mary Sue wandered across to the remaining two of Torchwood, rain bouncing off an invisible shield above her head.

"Oi Lovebirds!" They started "Want to go home?" They looked at her in confusion. She sighed "Never mind, come on!" and she led them to the Information office that served as the entrance to Torchwood. Jack stomped impatiently up to the door.

"Ok then, what's the password?" Jack glared at the Mary Sue

"Janto 4 eva, spelt J A N T O 4 E VA, got that?" Jack glowered at her then punched it in. there was a click and he moved over to the next door, punching in the code, only to find that that had been changed as well. He sighed and looked pointedly at the Mary Sue.

"Weevils rule" Jack shook his head and typed it in, and was held up by the last door.

"Join the campaign to prevent the final death of Owen. Type Owen 4 Ever and get your free I'm a torchwood fan, fan, and badge then continue reading this fic. Also get a free stopwatch with every Janto fluff written"

Jack typed busily

"Ever as in E V E R right? Two Fans? Ok. Oh. That didn't seem to work(!)"

The Mary Sue grinned

"Nah I was just having you on. The password's password" The door ground open and the Mary Sue clobbered Ianto and Jack around the head, sending them to the floor. She looked at her weapon with interest, and then peered inside. A bagful of CD's. No wonder it'd been so effective. Right. She cracked her knuckles. Work to do. But first a lucky dip…

She looked at the CD she'd pulled out, frowned, chucked it to one side and pulled out another.

"Wow. You must have seriously annoyed her"

Elsewhere, Gwen was cautiously entering her flat. Heading around the corner she spotted Rhys on the sofa and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Hiya Rhys"

"Oh hello sweetheart, how was work?"

"We had a mauve alert to deal with. Hopefully won't turn out too serious"

"Everything going well with the Special Forces then?"

Gwen paused puzzled. Special Forces? Wasn't that…?

"Yeah. Jack said hi" she ventured

"Oh is Jack someone new?" Rhys wandered across the sitting room

"Yeah…" Gwen closed her eyes, cursing inwardly. Damn you Fanfiction writing Bitch.

Ianto groaned as he came to, trying to swing his head up to look around, wincing as it throbbed.

"What hit me??"

"A bag of CD's and a couple hours of Kylie Minogue: I can't get you out of my head, up loud, and on repeat. Not too bad as songs go, but beginning to get a bit repetitive."

Ianto looked around at Jack, tied up as he was. And shirtless. Ok so nothing he hadn't seen before. Jack winked at Ianto and gave a sly smile.

"Could be worse sir"

"Not for me it couldn't" they looked around at Captain John, also tied up with them. "Watching you two go all smutty. In fact I don't think I'm even meant to be here."

"Well tough"

"Well we could at least try to get her to change the track"

"Ok then, on the count of three..."

"On the count of three what?"

Jack sighed and shook his head.

"Ok here's the plan"

In a hotel room somewhere, someone was clearly having a good time. Discarded outer clothing lay around the room, along with empty cans of whipped cream and crumpled chocolate bar wrappers. The bed sheets paused in their movement and a sense of calm descended over the room.

"Do you think that'll do for the author?" Tosh whispered

"Normally tends to. Shift round a bit. I can't see."

"I think it was your turn."

"Where was I? You're lying on my ones."

"Sorry."

There was some shuffling then the bed stilled once more.

"Ah yes." There was a pause then Owen dramatically whispered "Go Fish"

"OI! MARY SUE!"

"I thought it was going to be get over here and change the bloo..."

"Yes?" She popped her head around the corner to look at the three hung up, then wheeled the chair so she could get a better view. "What do you want?"

"Errm, we wondered…" Ianto trailed off as he spotted the cup of coffee in her hand. She took a sip. "Is that my mug?" she raised her eyebrows "With coffee made from my coffee machine in it?" The eyebrows tweaked a bit further up "You used my coffee machine! Jack she's used my coffee machine!! And my mug!! That's not faaair! Come on!" He struggled against his bonds, before settling to look despairingly at his 'borrowed' mug, and sulking.

"Anyway, back to the point" Jack said "Could you change the song?"

"I could"

There was a pause.

"Will you change the song?"

"Maybe"

"Please?"

"Pardon?"

"Pretty please?"

John snorted at this before wincing at another series of la la la's blasting out by his ear.

"Pretty please with whatever edible delight you choose, and a hundred you wanted but forgot to choose on top?"

"Well, if you put it like that…" she wandered over to the computer, the hub going quiet as she ejected the disk, she placed the next one in, and pressed play. There was a bit of quiet as she frowned at the screen. Before turning up the volume. They waited in anticipation, only catching a millisecond of the tune before a pause, before it blared out full pelt through the speakers, striking dread into the heart of the trio.

"_WE'RE FLYING THE FLAAAAG, ALL OVER THE WORRLD, WE'RE FLYING…"_

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Next time on Mauve:

"If you want to torture us do it with some humanity, because this is not humane at all"

"Yeah I've heard better in the shower rooms of Klom"

"Please anything but this"

The Mary Sue pulled a puzzled face before turning and heading back to the computers, the boys just catching a glimpse of her ear plugs.

"Arrrrgh!!"


	4. Chapter 4: End of the Line

I do not own Torchwood etc etc

* * *

John was sobbing, desperately trying to cover his ears, cowering away from the next verse.

"Didn't know you were that much of a wuss John. It's only been on for the last 15 minutes."

"MAKE IT STOP! Purlease!"

"Mind you they must have specifically chosen this song: It's the Eurovision version. If we had a normal one…"

John looked up in confusion.

"You know the phrase 'It'll be alright on the night' No? Ok but basically, it wasn't, and the song was more rubbish and tacky due to the last minute additions. This is that song."

"What he's saying is that there is a better…" Ianto trailed off catching sight of the Mary Sue, with his mug, and turned his glare to maximum.

"If you want to torture us do it with some humanity, because this is not humane at all"

"Yeah I've heard better in the shower rooms of Klom"

"Please anything but this"

The Mary Sue pulled a puzzled face before turning and heading back to the computers, the boys just catching a glimpse of her ear plugs.

"Arrrrgh!!"

Gwen leant against the railings, out of the lamplight, staring intently at a specific piece of pavement. She turned and walked away.

In the hub, the Mary Sue started as everything died, plunging it into darkness and silence. She tentively pulled out her ear plugs.

"The torches are in the desk draws, one down on the left, and spare batteries are in the kitchen"

The Mary Sue headed off to the kitchen.

There was a pause, and then Iantos voice drifted through the hub.

"Well, at least we don't have to listen to that bloody song again."

Gwen stood in the darkness, before gently crouching down and pushing on the slab. Her hand passed through it and she smiled to herself. Carefully making sure she didn't make a sound she prepared her next move.

"Jack?"

"Ianto?"

"Please tell me that's you."

"Me what? Because I can't exactly do anything at the moment"

Ianto giggled nervously

"I was afraid you would say that" He stopped giggling and calmed down.

"Where is it?"

John shrieked like a girl, and there was a distinctive crack of glass coming from the next room. Jack and Ianto smiled inwardly.

"Oh My GOD! What is it? whatisit? WHATISIT!!"

A torch switched on sending the light straight into his eyes.

"Ow"

The Mary Sue shook her head and swung the beam around to check on the others.

"I apologise for the electronically based delay. Business will be resumed as soon as possible but in the meantime stay put and detest the in-flight entertainment"

She whipped out the pink feather duster she'd been hiding behind her back, and three mouths dropped open in surprise.

Jack glanced at Ianto, an 'I thought you had hidden it?' glance

'I did!'

'But she's found it!'

'It was in the kitchen!'

'That's not a safe place to hide it'

'Gwen never goes into the kitchen'

'Really?'

'Yeah I put it with the chocolate sauce'

'We have chocolate sauce?'

'Yeah'

The Mary Sue looked between the two in puzzlement, shrugged and went over to John, smiling sweetly.

"Ladies first."

Gwen leant back, testing he weight on the equipment. Satisfied she walked back to the pavement before disappearing through the hole, into darkness, through which inhuman shrieks echoed up.

John giggled and squirmed, occasionally shrieking out in his hysteria.

"Oh god no! Stop pleasehehese!"

The Mary Sue glanced at the other two in confusion.

"Is he always this bad?" they shrugged as best they could. She turned back to John "Oh come on, it isn't even touching you yet"

John calmed down at this, giggled in apprehension, and continued looking nervously at the feather duster.

"Sorry."

Gwen froze in mid air as the shrieks died down for a moment, and then breathed a sigh of relief as they started up again, louder. She descended the last few meters and landed softly in the hub. Unclipping herself from the rope and slipping off the harness, she snuck over to her desk, paused, and then headed to Jacks office.

The lights flickered on again and the boys tensed themselves for another dousing of sound. It didn't come. The hub was silent.

"Ok drop the weapon you hands where I can see them, writers spawn!"

The Mary Sue slowly turned around to look at Gwen glaring at her, with a big gun.

"Drop the duster and release the guys."

The Mary Sue sighed and slowly let Jack, Ianto and John down.

"Why did your author wipe Rhys's memory?"

"I don't know, but you do know you can't kill me with bullets."

"I am perfectly aware of that, now reverse it this moment!!"

"I can't…"

"Don't lie to me."

"Really, I can't, that's the authors' choice."

"Oh. Ok then." Gwen brought the gun up and incinerated the Mary Sue, leaving nothing but a pile of burnt scraps of paper.

"Ok…" Ianto ventured "So how'd you know that would work then?"

Gwen lobbed the gun back to John, who promptly disappeared.

"John was meant to be the baddie of this story, and the Mary Sue meant to be the Hero. That gun which the author put in was the only thing that could kill the Mary Sue because if it couldn't it wouldn't make much of a story."

"A story which is now falling apart." Pointed out Jack, as the hub started to put itself back to its previous level of messiness.

There was a loud crack, and everything returned to normal.

Outside the characters worlds, a figure turned a blowtorch off and lifted up his faceguard to view his work with satisfaction. Smiling at the limp wire he thought to himself, that's the last time she sends a Mary Sue at my characters again

* * *

That's all folks, end of the line. Thanks to everyone who has read and reviewed this story. Yes it may seem a bit short, and yes, it may have been a bit plotless, but I wrote it for a laugh, and hope you've had one too.

- Kirric


	5. Chapter 5: The Last Laugh

Jack gently tucked a stray hair behind her ear, gazing at her startled eyes, every single one of her freckles. They were close now; he could smell the sweet tang of her perfume, everything inside him urging him even closer.

Gwen was lost in the moment, alien, yet familiar pheromones drew her on, her heart beating in time with his, two hearts…

And a button

…Two hearts as one, yearning for the thrill of …

Flashing

…thrill of each other, true red hot…

Mauve

…red hot…

Wait a moment, Mauve? MAUVE?!

Gwen pushed Jack away from her, eyes burning with anger.

"Oh no you don't!"

Gwen strode across the hub, barely slowing down to sweep up a crowbar.

"Oh no you don't!!"

Gwen got to the machine and started smashing it as much as she could whilst Jack tried to stop her.

"Oh NO YOU DON'T! I am not having another Bloody Mary Sue, and I'm not going to be subjected to another bloody FANFICTION AUTHOR!! Yaaaaarggggg!!"

* * *

:-D


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